Published on August 1, 2012 by Ashley

Parenting Under the Influence

I am sure we have all seen it, the parents at the BBQ having one too many drinks. Or how about yourself, too many beers on Fourth of July? How should drinking be handled when we have children? While they are awake is it okay or should they be asleep for the night?

I use to be a heavy drinker. My weekend nights (and even some weeknights) consisted of getting off work, getting ready and heading out for a night worth of drinking and partying. How times have changed! Since having my first son, Kellan, I slowly gave up alcohol. If my husband had our son or one of the grandparents I would try to spend a night with my friends and some drinks. Though it slowly began to become less and less of a fun time for me. This giant sense of responsibility and feelings on how I feel I should act now as a mother had taken over.

My beliefs have greatly changed over the years. I do not think it is appropriate for both my husband and myself to be drinking heavily at the same time. (And by heavily I don’t necessarily mean drinking a 12 pack each but rather heavily in the context that we weren’t sober enough to drive if needed.) What about after the kids go to bed, isn’t it ok to both be heavily drinking? In my opinion, no. I still think of the worst case scenario. What if someone gets sick in the middle of the night or needs to be rushed to the hospital? I can’t afford to be passed out or unable to drive in the event that one of my kids needs me.

Or what about being hung over the next day? It isn’t fair to my kids to spend a day with their mom and dad laying around since they drank too much the night before. Now granted some events will come up and you will end up drinking and getting a hang over. I have been there even since having kids, it happens sometimes. I do not think it is appropriate for parents of young children to have people over drinking until late at night more than half of the week. I also don’t think that just because it is a holiday or an event of some sort means you should have to have alcohol. Is that what we want to teach our kids? Associate drinking with every good time?

How do you feel? Are you okay with weekend drinking and having young kids?

Published on August 1, 2012 by Samantha

The Sergeant Major’s Wife

In 1951, my grandmother went on a blind date. Six weeks later, they got married. He was a Corporal in the US Army and she was a girl from Philly. Soon, they moved to Ft. Eustis Virginia and then to Ft. Belvoir. Over the next thirty years, they bounced between Ft. Belvoir and Idaho and Alaska. My grandfather, who we called Pop, was in nuclear power (after a brief stint as a cook because they had one day on/two day off schedules) was deployed to Korea during the Korean War, but that was over when my grandparents met. He didn’t deploy while they were married, and the longest they were apart was when he went to Camp Century, Greenland for a six month stint in the city under the ice.

My grandpa was in the Army for thirty years, and eventually made it all the way to Sergeant Major – with only a few discipline issues (there’s a rumor from when he was in Korea that one of his soldiers was causing problems in town and Pop took a vehicle to get him. However, instead of driving the soldier back to base, Pop made him run in front. Apparently, that’ll cause you to lose a rank.). At one point, Gram was the head spouse of the NCO Wives club, but mostly she focused on raising her three children.

When I met my now husband, my grandma was one of the first people I realized I could turn to. She had done the military spouse game, done it well, and for a long time. She answered all the questions I had that I wasn’t prepared to have. She was also the first person to tell me to make sure my trash cans were empty when the movers came or they would pack my trash. (I only forgot one trash can, but she was totally right.) I was very anxious about what was going to happen being married to a career military man, but my grandma calmed me down. I still call her to ask her questions.

My grandfather passed away in 1992 after 41 years of marriage. I was nine years old. My grandma is still a good Army wife – she never leaves the house without being totally put together, she always has drinks and snacks ready in case people drop by, and has her pearls and Chanel No. 5 ready at all times.

At my wedding shower, my grandma gave me a Christmas ornament of two cardinals. I was confused, but she said that when I was about five, I begged my mom to let me buy the ornament for her and Pop. They loved it, and had kept it through several moves. Now she was giving it to me, for my Christmas tree with my new family. Every Christmas when I unwrap that ornament, and hang it on our tree, it gives me hope that my marriage and my ‘career’ as a military spouse will be just as long and happy as hers.

Published on August 1, 2012 by Samantha

Help!

I recently had some family visit and spent a lot of time with them. It was great for them to meet my newest daughter, and wonderful for my oldest daughter to see family again. My husband couldn’t take off from work for the first week of their visit, so it was just the girls and I driving to Kahala every day for the entire day. It was very interesting to watch my family trying to jump to my assistance whenever I tried to do anything

It was about the third day before one of my aunts stopped mid action (I can’t remember if she was changing the baby, making the oldest a sandwich, or helping me get stuff to the car) and said, “Man, it’s a good thing you are so independent! I never would have been this calm and collected alone with two babies!”

That stopped me. I mean, I knew I was independent – I always have been. But I hadn’t thought about it in relation to being a parent.

I did notice that after the aquarium when my uncle and cousin tried to help me load the girls and their stuff back in the car, I did it myself. And every time we arrived at and left the house they were renting, I was greeted and escorted by people asking what they could do despite my protests of being able to get everything. When we hiked Makapu’u, my uncle took the stroller amid my complaints and my aunts walked with Cailin.

It was very odd.

It’s not that my husband isn’t helpful – believe me, he’s great. He does everything he can to help me with the girls. But he’s so busy, works such long hours, and is randomly gone on trips that he’s just not here much. So when the girls and I go places, normally it is just me and the girls. I’m the one who has to make sure that we have everything needed for both of them – diapers, wipes, change of clothes, soccer ball, ballet outfit, bathing suit, sunscreen, etc. I have to make it fit nicely in the car. I’m the one who has to lug all that wherever we are going. I have to get it all out of the car and to wherever in one trip. While it’s only been two months that I’ve been doing this with Madelyn, I’ve been playing this game with Cailin for quite some time.

And I’m used to it. I got it. I CAN DO IT.

Apparently, not only can I do it, but I don’t accept help gracefully. My uncle at one point said something along the lines of, ‘Let me put the damn stroller in the car before I get yelled at for not helping you again!’ Oh. Ok. It’s not a bad thing to accept help – I am just not used to it.

Which left me wondering – was it so hard for me because I’m just very independent, or because I’m married to a Marine? What do you think?

Published on July 29, 2012 by Tabitha

Mickey gives Santa the boot

The happiest place on earth wasn’t too happy this week when for the second time in recent years it gave someone bearing an uncanny resemblance to ol’ St. Nick the option to look less like Santa or leave the park. What is the world coming to when the biggest celebrity of all time can’t enjoy a day at Disneyworld? Is this some sort of weird rivalry between universal symbols of childhood happiness?

Apparently the man looking like Santa was being “disruptive” to park operations because many other guests continued to stop him to take pictures. Who knew Mickey had jealousy issues. The Huffington Post Thomas Tolbert, the man asked to look less like Santa, is actually ranked one of the top Santa impersonators and after checking out the picture of him, I would think he was the real thing. At least Mr. Tolbert was dressed as a civilian, the last time Disneyworld kicked a jolly fat man out he was sporting the classic red suit. What does Disney do when a real celebrity shows up? I just read a story about Tom Cruise and his daughter at Disneyland. There is no way Tom Cruise made it through the park without being “disruptive”. The entourage of bodyguards alone has to cause problems for other guests.

A few years ago my husband and I went to SeaWorld in San Diego on New Year’s Day and saw a gentleman in an aloha shirt, Bahama shorts and sandals with the white hair and beard of Santa. He was carrying a hobo bag on the end of a stick and as we made eye contact he made a comment about finally getting in a vacation. We both laughed and thought that was the coolest thing. I don’t know if SeaWorld paid this guy as comic relief or it was a look-a-like legitimately on vacation and that was his way of dealing the people looking at him but either way we got a good chuckle out of it. It’s sad to think Disney obviously doesn’t have the same sense of humor. Maybe the next time we wait in line to see the mouse we’ll ask him to let Santa have a good vacation after Christmas.

NBC Video interview with Thomas Tolbert about the incident.

The Huffington Post

Published on July 29, 2012 by Renee

The Perils of Gift Giving During Deployment

Getting gifts for one another on important dates while your spouse is deployed is one of the trickiest things about the military lifestyle. Every couple is different but for my husband and I, we love to get each other gifts on holidays and anniversaries. I love surprises and I also love planning out the gifts for my husband. I love making him happy. And when he’s deployed the gifts become more important because it’s one of the only ways we have to show our love when he’s not here. We can’t hug or kiss or cuddle so getting each other gifts to show our appreciation on special days is a substitute for that. But the gifts also become trickier to give.

For my husband, he is very in tune with me when he is home and is really good at picking out gifts because he listens to what I say and will remember me mentioning I like something even if it was months ago. When he is gone gift giving becomes really difficult for him because he can’t pick up on the subtle hints and on top of that he has limited resources.

Case in point, the first gift he ever got me while deployed was for my birthday and it was a rose dipped in plastic and outlined in silver. He saw it in the back of a Maxim magazine. And when he sent it he didn’t include any sort of note so I had no idea who it was from. Talk about a disaster. And I didn’t know how to handle it. This was the first time he had ever gotten me a gift I didn’t like. At first I pretended to like it because I didn’t want to hurt his feelings but I eventually confessed how I felt. We ended up returning it and he got me a replacement gift of the full Harry Potter series in hard cover, which I love.

So I learned my lesson, when he’s deployed I have to be less subtle about things I like. And he learned to get family members involved to help purchase gifts that he can’t from Afghanistan. So far this deployment we’ve only had one event, our anniversary that was a couple days ago. The gifts have been amazing! And my favorite one is the one he didn’t spend any money on.

For me there ends up being a dilemma when it comes to getting my husband gifts. I want to get him something nice but I can’t always send that something nice to him when he’s deployed. The first deployment I didn’t send him anything for Christmas but I sent him an email telling him about the gift I had gotten him that he would get when he got home. He didn’t say anything at the time but when he got home he confessed that he felt a little neglected at Christmas time because he hadn’t gotten any gifts sent to him.

So this deployment what I did was send him a gift that he could use in Afghanistan and I also got him something nice that he will get when he gets home. I sent him pictures of it so he could see what it was. I think he definitely appreciated having a gift to open on the special day this time.

As long as my husband and I can afford to get each other nice gifts we will do it because that’s one of the ways we show our love. And now that we’re experiencing our second deployment together we’ve each learned a few things about making that special day extra special. Hopefully our experiences can help you!

Published on July 29, 2012 by Tabitha

Penn State Sanctions – Is it enough?

By now I’m sure you’ve heard about the assistant football coach at Penn State that was recently convicted of 45 counts of sexual abuse involving ten young boys over a 15 year period. I’m still pissed off a bit about the entire situation and cannot believe such a high profile school kept this quiet for so long all for the sake of a sport. Don’t get me wrong, I love football but I cannot begin to imagine the pain the victims have and are still going through and the courage it took to come forward. Sandusky is awaiting sentencing but in the mean time Penn State got handed a hefty punishment from the NCAA:

$60 million dollar fine
a four year ban from playing the postseason
the loss of 20 scholarships
vacating 111 wins

Wow, that is a lot of money and a big blow to such a prestigious football program but is it enough? Is it right to punish the football players of today for the crimes of yesterday? Is it right to take away legitimate wins from the players that earned them? Football is big business affecting the school itself but also the local economy on game days. Attendance is sure to decrease and jobs eliminated as a result. The NCAA has announced the $60 million fine will go to fund child sexual abuse prevention. What about the victims? Lawyers for one have announced they plan to sue Penn State directly and others are sure to follow. I shudder to think of the number of additional victims that are out there who may come forward to sue the school directly.

What do you think about the punishment and what else if anything should be done to prevent this from happening again?

Published on July 29, 2012 by Renee

Military Spouse Interview: PCSing and Finding a Job

I did an interview with my good friend and fellow military spouse Carrie Cook about PCSing and finding a job. She has moved several times and has a lot of experience with job searching after a PCS.

What are some types for finding a job after PCSing?

Don’t give up. It took me almost a full year in Hawaii to get the job I wanted. Granted I was working doing temp and part time work to stay busy but just keep applying to jobs. Even if it isn’t the exact position you want but you know you want to work for that company apply, get your foot in the door that is most important. Also if you have a contact or know someone who wants to help you out always accept it. It doesn’t mean you’re weak, we all know how hard it is to find a new job.

Do you have any tips for writing a resume?

My tips for writing a resume are you have to sell yourself. Even if you did something you don’t think is pertinent put it on your resume. Also have more than one resume. For example I have one for different types of jobs I am applying to whether it be in a hospital setting or elsewhere. And I try to use the buzz words in the job description in my resume.

How do you deal with having to virtually start your career over every time you PCS?

I stay positive and persistent. I apply to anything and everything at the companies I am interested in working at. Each PCS I gain new experience and wisdom and I use that to help me deal with it because I know in the long run it is making me stronger and more resilient. Each PCS allows me to reflect on my career and choose which path I want and gives me an opportunity to make a change if I want to.

I think Carrie was able to provide some great tips for finding work after PCSing. I know this is a big issue that many of us deal with. Hopefully some of her tips will be able to help some of you.

Published on July 26, 2012 by Renee

Breastfeeding While in Uniform: Scandal

Many of you may have heard of this scandal a few months back. Two women did a photo shoot where they breastfed their babies while in uniform. You can read more about it here. I know it’s old news but I wanted to talk about it since it affects a lot of us not only as mothers but also as military spouses.

I have a hard time picking a stance on this issue. On the one hand I applaud it because I’m currently breastfeeding my almost seven month old son and I hate how there’s such a stigma against breastfeeding nowadays when it’s the most natural thing in the world. Don’t get me started, I could write a whole other blog post about that.

On the other hand the women took pictures while breastfeeding in uniform and in the military there are rules about what you can and can’t do in uniform. You’re not supposed to chew gum, talk on a cell phone, or hold hands with your spouse so what makes breastfeeding any different?

The difference for me is that breastfeeding is providing your child with food. Would they have been as ridiculed if they had done a photo shoot while bottle-feeding their children? Probably not.

I always use a cover when I breastfeed in public. But if my child were hungry and I had no other option I’d whip a boob out in public and feed him. I’m not going to deny my child food in order to make someone else feel comfortable.

I’m not going to say whether I think they should breastfeed in uniform or not. But I will say that they probably shouldn’t have done a photo shoot while doing it. Especially since the photo shoot was for a campaign to bring awareness about breastfeeding and they should have known it would be seen by many people and had the potential to spark controversy. Unless controversy is what they were going for in which case objective achieved.

How do you feel about these women breastfeeding while in uniform?

Published on July 25, 2012 by Samantha

(Sorority) Sisters For Life

I have a confession.

In college…I paid for my friends.

That’s right. I was in a sorority.

But you know what? To this day, they are some of the best friends I have. Joining my sorority was one of the best choices I ever made.

I remember before I rushed thinking that sorority girls were all the same. Vapid, shallow, fake, etc. I could go on. And then my roommate (who I was randomly paired with) and her sisters convinced me to rush. I agreed, mostly just to shut them up and get them to leave me alone! But somewhere during rush, I found myself having fun. So I pledged.

I found myself among quite the group of women – lacrosse players, cheerleaders, the student body president and vice president, a few homecoming queens, a beauty pageant girl or two, girls who never wore makeup, and some of the smartest girls at our school. I was very surprised. Even with such an assorted group of women, I still felt like I wasn’t going to fit in.

I was hesitant at first, going to events but staying to myself, only really talking to the few girls I already knew. But I kept going to things. Slowly, I realized I was talking to more girls each event. Suddenly, we were getting ready for rush and I was one of the sisters welcoming the new girls. I had become part of this amazing group.

And they were an amazing group. We cheered each other on at sports games, made sure we voted when the Student Government asked us to, came together to help fly a sister home when her grandfather suddenly passed away, and rallied when a sister had skin cancer – she had to have a cancerous mole on her face removed and the bandaging made her feel self conscious. So all 50 of us wore hot pink Barbie band aids on our faces too.

For me, I had sisters volunteering to come to the hospital with me when my grandma had a stroke. Then, years later, after we graduated, sisters offered to come to her funeral when she passed away. They also made a donation to the Alzheimer’s Association in her name and sent my family a giant peace lily. I had sisters come to my bridal shower, then drive hours to come to my wedding. These girls danced with my daughter at the wedding, but only after making sure everything was taken care of. They mailed presents for my baby shower, and check on my newborn on a regular basis.

One of my sisters moved to Hawaii for six months for a job recently, and though we hadn’t talked in years, we picked up right where we left off. This girl was not mad that she wasn’t invited to my wedding, and came to my baby shower with tons of lion presents for my little girl. (The lion is our mascot.) She understands me in a way that my friends here just don’t – she knew me before I was wife and mom. And she loves reminding me of this.

I know friends who aren’t sisters do the same things, but for me, having that extra bond has made such a difference. So yes, I paid for my friends. But they are worth so much more than what I spent.

Published on July 23, 2012 by Samantha

Fear

My husband and I do not have the typical ‘how we met and fell in love happily ever after’ story. It’s a good one, but that’s for a different blog. The part you need to know now is that when we met in February of 2008, he had full custody of his 16 month old daughter, Cailin. In July, they told him he was going to deploy again right after Christmas.

I had always known I’d have to say goodbye to him – he’s a Marine, we’re at war. Got it. I NEVER thought about saying goodbye to the goofy little girl I had also fallen in love with. It took me a few weeks to bring it up to him, but I asked if when he deployed, I could take her. We went back and forth for a while – I mean, we’d been dating less than a year. Who in their right mind would do that?

Turns out, he would.

So we started getting ready. He got all the POAs set up (I had never even HEARD of a POA before this!), we moved her stuff to my house, and off he went. I thought I was prepared.

Two days later, we were visiting my mom at her physical therapy session. Cailin was running around, having a fabulous time playing on some of the equipment. I was a little nervous, but she was doing fine. Then I asked her to get her jacket because we had to leave.

And she tripped.

And fell.

FACE FIRST IN TO A MIRROR.

No, I am not kidding. I obviously started freaking out. My boyfriend was not even in country yet and his little girl was bleeding from the face! Thankfully, my sister the NICU nurse was there and calmed me the heck down. She also calmed Cailin down. Turns out, she’d only cut her lip. I was still nervous and she was still bleeding, so we decided to go to the doctor.

That’s when it hit me.

Who was her doctor? Her insurance was called TriCare – who in my area accepted that? Was there a co-pay? Was this an emergency and I could take her to the hospital or did I have to see a regular doctor? I had NO idea. We had done NOTHING military wise to prepare for the fact that we were moving this little girl from Cherry Point to Northern Virginia! The freak out I had when she fell was nothing compared to the breakdown I had at this point.

When my sister asked where to go, I stared at her blankly before I thought to call a girlfriend who was married to a sailor. She ended up talking to my sister and they decided that for now, the best plan was to go to the doctor my sister interned at the summer before and see what they thought.

Everything got taken care of, and Cailin was fine, but I had never felt so unprepared or scared in my life. I thought we had taken care of everything, but clearly we missed some pretty big things. Next time he called me, I told him what had happened and asked him what to do to get her a doctor in my area. His solution was to learn about the Marine Corps and how they work. He suggested taking a LINKS class.

I called the LINKS coordinator at Quantico (I lived about 20 minutes north of the base) and begged to take the class. The woman was very friendly and signed me up for the next session, no questions asked – which was awesome for a girlfriend.

I learned a lot in the class, and make it a point to take LINKS at every base JUST in case. I also made some great friends who I still talk to on a regular basis. Being with someone in the military is a whole different ball game, and I didn’t realize it until I had to jump in. These guys are not bankers who leave their work at work. The more you know about the military, the easier life is when you are involved with a service member.

And in my case, I have way fewer heart attacks.

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